The Dude's Guide To Public Restroom Etiquette

Wassup fellas! I know public restrooms can be a difficult place to navigate. Their isn't a list of do's and don'ts in there so you may not know what's acceptable and what's not. Well here is an in depth, living list of you should or should not do while you're in there.

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Follow the simple rules and you won't get punched in the face:

Do not talk to me while I'm peeing!

Do not talk to me while you're peeing!

If the bathroom, is empty talking on the phone while taking a dump is acceptable.

Other than that, do not talk on your cell while your are taking a dump (it confuses us).

Do not talk on your Bluetooth while taking a piss (we may respond). 

Really dude just keep your phone in your pocket unless you're in a personal stall.

Talking to others is only acceptable while washing our hands.

STOP skipping the sink and touching the door handle jerk.

DO NOT under any circumstance take your dump or piss directly next to me unless their is no other option (save that crap for preschool)!

As a matter of fact stay as far away from peeing strangers as possible weirdo.

Almost anything goes in crowded places (ball games, movies, concerts, bars, night clubs, etc.). Just no peeking!

No eye contact once the fly opens what so ever. Period. Look up, down, or straight ahead.

When pooping next to someone. Whoever gets up first, gets to wash their hands and leave first. Once they flush, wait your turn bro. Wait until the bathroom door closes.

If you are peeing while I'm pooping, hurry up! Piss, wash your hands, and get out. Stop waiting around to see who funked it up!

DO NOT get mad about my kids! It's my day to watch um, it's my only day off, my wife gave me a list of errands, I asked them 6 times before we left if they needed to go and they said no. This is the last resort. Take your dump over there and mind your business. And grandpa, they know how cute they are, Don't stare Herbert. Its hard enough as it is!

Dads! Instruct you kids. DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING! Until they're old enough to go alone, they shouldn't touch anything in their, especially your daughters! Put the paper down, let them do their thing, flush with your foot and get outta there! Hopefully wifey packed you some wet wipes! You know where your hands may have been so you can only imagine when them other dudes have put their fingers.

Hey lil pecker. since you insist on pissing in the stall please at least lift the seat or wipe it off, especially in coed or work bathrooms! don't make me wipe your piss when i need to take a dump. I got enough problems already. Plus you know the cleaning crew only comes in here twice a day!

Have some respect for the poor sap that has to clean that horrid place. they're probably making minimum wage (unless they work for the BART system in Oakland) life is hard enough as it is.

Grampa chill with the pants around your ankles bro. Please.

If you touch me for any reason while I'm pissing, it is assault and a sex crime so i'm allowed to punch you in the face in self defense. Practice your stance at home. Stand up straight, nice and tight, spread your legs just enough not to squeeze your balls! You ain't Shaq, you don't need that much room Richard Simmons.

Bro please. shave, brush your teeth, comb your hair, wash your face, get dressed at home or your local gym. This is not the place.

Speaking of the gym. Unless you're 80 and don't give a fxck anymore, do not stand around naked please. This isn't basic training.

Don't linger. Wait for the homie outside dude.

When there is only one stall. DO NOT wait in the corner of the bathroom for the sh!tter to be available. You were too late. You snooze you lose weirdo! Even waiting outside is suspect. You are breaking way too many rules. Just find another pot or come back later. Sorry bro. It happens to the best of us. Occupied = Out of Order. GO AWAY! This is not a porter potty.
Try not to fart while pissing unless you're alone.

Stop making all those noises and sound affects while your pooping unless you're alone. No one needs to here your grunting and moaning. No one cares how good your dump feels prick.

Try and handle your business as quickly as possible, but wash your hands thoroughly please. Antibiotics can only do so much Ebola fingers.

Last but not least. If you're in the work bathroom, this is my person time. Do not talk about work in here please. Once i step out we can talk but in here, HUSH!


If you gotta piss while you're in the stall with your daughter/s. First, try and hold it til you get home. If you can't hold it, make them turn around, cover their eyes and count to 20 or something.

Sorry environmentalist but when taking a public dump, I use as least four sheets of toilet protector. i leave them folded and put one in the front, one in the back, one on the left, and one on the right for extra layers of protection. I may even throw one on top of the water to prevent splash back.

After washing and drying your hands, grab another dry paper towel to open the restroom door. This trick can be used when touching any other faucets or knobs in there. you may have to touch the paper towel dispenser but do that before you wash. 

Pull your pants up before you flush. Lord know how high that sucker splashes.

This is a long standing debate but I say flush with your foot. I'm not touching that crap.

You should already know this but, most urinals come with a target to aim your piss. It may be a red dot or a little bumble bee but whatever it is, use it! We see those sprinkles on your shoes!

Do yourself a favor and check for toilet paper before you squat. You'll thank me later.

I never ever use the first piece of toilet paper. I reach as high on the roll as possible, and pull new sheets down to use. Unfortunately the beginning piece gets left on the floor. And I never, ever, ever, ever, ever use that extra roll that the cleaning person leaves on the handicap rail or on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Ewe

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